Category: Politics, Religion & Money

He had a dream… now he has the money

This came in the mourning mail from Stephen Colbert…

Dear Super Loved Ones,

I write this letter with a heavy heart and elevated cholesterol. Earlier today, our advisor and chief strategist, Ham Rove, passed away. Authorities believe he repeatedly tripped and fell onto a knife several dozen times. Later some dogs ate him. It was all quite tragic.

When it comes to describing how important Ham Rove was to Colbert Super PAC, I find myself at a loss for unsubpoenaed words. Ham Rove did everything for this organization, particularly any of the things that an angry donor or federal official might want answers to.

Due to Ham Rove’s timely passing, I am announcing that Colbert Super PAC is shutting down effective immediately. During this time of mourning, we ask that you respect our privacy, and more importantly, the privacy of our money. It wishes to stay out of the public eye, so please don’t go trying to find it. Rest assured, you won’t. We have a really good lawyer.

I am a man of faith. I believe that Ham Rove is in a better place now… and so is the money. I hope you have faith as well, because that’s all you’re ever going to know for sure.

Don’t stop bereaving,

Stephen Colbert
Former President
Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow (defunct)

General specifics

General David Petraeus had an affair with a younger woman? I’m shocked! He’s a disgrace to the memory of America’s great military leaders of the past. General Dwight D. Eisenhower, for example. Here’s Ike after signing Germany’s declaration of surrender.

Hey, who’s that younger woman in the background? Why, it’s Kay Summersby, Eisenhower’s personal driver and assistant, with an emphasis on the “personal.”

Republicans to take aim at each other?

On behalf of Fox News, Christian Whiton asks, “Where does the Republican Party Go From Here?”

The key now will be for Republicans not to form a circular firing squad, but to grasp important lessons as to why we lost…

… In the end, the Republican establishment thought they had this election in the bag. They decided to play it safe with a moderate. They stuffed a candidate down the party’s throat who opportunistically had been on both sides of most issues and told people what he thought they wanted to hear, rather than what he believed.

As I expected from Fox, the important lesson for the GOP is they need to take an even harder line. They were so happy when Romney seemed to trounce Obama in the first debate, and yet they don’t see that he did that by moderating the positions he had taken in order to win the nomination? If Romney hadn’t “Etch-a-Sketched” himself post-primary he would have lost even more of the undecided voters than he did last night.

Personally, I won’t mind if the Republicans take pot shots at each other. They seem to be incapable of grasping the important lesson of why they lost. Whiton apparently doesn’t understand the difference between Romney’s lack of conviction and Obama’s willingness to compromise. Their failure wasn’t rooted in Romney being at heart a moderate, it was them forcing him to appease the Tea Party in order to get the candidacy.

A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow

As a financial contributor to the Colbert Super PAC at the $50 level, I continue to be entitled to all sorts of special treats from Stephen, including this special message that I found in one of my very own e-mailboxes.

Dear Friends of Colbert Super PAC,

I know it’s been a while. I’m sorry I haven’t called, written, stopped by, or appeared naked astride a centaur in your dreams. On behalf of myself, Colbert Super PAC, and the centaur, I apologize.

But do not assume that Americans For A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow has been powerless. In fact, it’s quite the opposite: we’ve been unpowerless. For proof, please enjoy the first five seconds of this clip of Mitt Romney earlier today. Go ahead, I’ve already seen it, I’ll wait for you here in this email.

As you can see, as a contributor to Colbert Super PAC, your voice has clearly been heard, in the form of money. But as an American, you should also make your voice double-heard, in the form of a voice. So tomorrow, please find your nearest polling location and vote.

Remember: this is the most important election of our lifetime*, and will continue to be right up until the next most important election of our lifetime. So whoever you support, please vote. If you don’t, the federal authorities consider wearing an “I Voted” sticker as an act of counterfeiting.

Yours sincerelyish,

Stephen Colbert
President and Tallymaster
Americans For A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow

Super PAC contributors are also entitled to anonymity, but who the heck wants that? If I ever start writing detective stories I’m going to call my private eye Cole Yama.